I've been thinking I'm drinking too many drinks all by myself....
Well.....

I did it. It took me three and half years. LITERALLY. but i finally finished reading the Brother's Karamazov.

ok. everyone can save the comments about "how the HELL did it take you three years plus to read a book?" For me.......for me this is a big accomplishment. seriously. a huge event. No, i'm not trying to be pretentious. It's just. It's the end (finally) of a chapter in my life. no pun intended. And i seriously DO hope its the end of a chapter in my life....or the begining of the end.

Here's what I mean. I started Karamazov right after I graduated high school in 05. I was a very different person back then. I was younger, more naieve, eager to finally be out on my own. Unexperienced with a lot of life. I was single. Just check out all the old entries in this journal. And then I met Abby. And the book got put on hold. I used to joke to myself that it was ridiculous that I, a soon to be English major, would let a girl get between me and a book. Maybe I should have taken the hint.....

It's unfair to say that Abby kept me from reading the book. It was a joke. But the fact that I could never find time to read that book just kind've encomposed this whole time in my life when I suddenly found myself busy out living life for the first time (ok....by 'living life' I mean living this mature fantasy of the life I hoped to be leading one day and had suddenly lucked myself into) and I had to put my personal, individual needs on hold. Cuz thats what you do in a relationship. You make SACRIFICES. So if that means I don't have time to read, or write, or just veg as much as I'm used to, then fine, if it's for someone I really care about.

You can disagree..... but anyways...

Fast forward through three years of fun times and sad times, of love making and fighting, of sweet words and pure bull shit. Throughout this time, I kept trying to finish the book. And I got a bit farther. line by line. closer to the end. It became this book that followed me all over G-d's creation. Through everything. All the drama and cool happenings and pure bliss, it was there. It witnessed almost everything that I myself saw. Including the bad stuff....

Now that I'm single...I've felt this weight hanging over me. Like if i can just finish this book, this book that completly encompasses my time with Abby, maybe I can get back on track. Ha, it got even more of an emphasis today when, as I set out to finish reading it, I ended up running into her twice. Like a sign. Now that its over with....I mean I am relieved. I DO feel that I have closed some sort of chapter. Like i can move away from the past, from the pain, and get to someplace new. It's not like I'm expecting some miraculous event to happen now that I'm done. Like a certain someone is going to call me up now for a get together over break. though that would be freakin sweet. I'm just ready to move on. and everyday is a bit closer to that move. which scares me and thrills me and scares me some more and overwhelms me all at the same time. but it's not here now. And I'm still feeling stuck in perguatory. so now...now maybe something will happen.